Times Like This
It's times like this that I wanted to leave. Leave everything behind just because there's a point wherein saying "I love you" became a responsibility and not a feeling.
Just So You Know.
J,
There was a time when I've imagined us growing old together. Walking by the beach, watch the sun set and rise, raise our own kids and grandchildren even, fight over money, debate about a movie we just saw, dream about anything; about everything. Live life together, holding each others hand.
There were times when I wished that I could wake up beside you. You'll wake me up with a tight hug, a passionate kiss, and a silly smile. I could die right then and there, 'coz I just have had the best things the world could offer.
Those were the times. Ideal. Fairytale. Lovely.
But now? I really don't know. Every day seems to be a cycle and I'm getting tired of it. I don't know what got into me, and you know what? I'm bored and frustrated over this-thing-I-don't-even-know-what-is. This moment or phase we're having (or I'M having) is just way too much.
Honestly, there are times that I just don't care. That I could go all day without hearing anything from you and not even noticing it. That sometimes, I dare to find another man who can make me laugh again. A man whom I can have a good conversation with or even fight over something petty. Generally, someone who can fill in those gaps you're failing to fill. Then again, I'm too coward and I'm too nice to be on an affair.
Okay, let's say you're busy. That you need to do these things 'coz it's your responsibility blah blah blah. I totally understand that part and I'm over it. What I just can't take is that I even need to 'ask time' from you. Something I don't even need to do, but then again, I'm doing it. Call me desperate, but I want to keep whatever we have together for 2 and a half years now. Noticed something? We always have this issue. We can't get over it because we can't solve it. I'm guessing that after some 'negotiations' you'll let this pass by and after a few months I'd be ranting about it (again), and the cycle won't stop.
I can't help to think, how come it's okay for you to talk/text me for just 2-3 hours a day? Doesn't it suck big time? 'Coz apparently, It does for me. How hard is it for you to even spare some of your time for me without letting me ask it from you? How hard is it for you to let me hear your voice without me not feeling guilty afterward? I'm thinking that it's that hard. Simple sacrifices for you is hard. 'Coz if it wasn't, I won't be even here ranting about this. Again.
You know I love you. But I'm confused if I'm still in-love. Seems, sometimes, I just can't be with you.
There was a time when I've imagined us growing old together. Walking by the beach, watch the sun set and rise, raise our own kids and grandchildren even, fight over money, debate about a movie we just saw, dream about anything; about everything. Live life together, holding each others hand.
There were times when I wished that I could wake up beside you. You'll wake me up with a tight hug, a passionate kiss, and a silly smile. I could die right then and there, 'coz I just have had the best things the world could offer.
Those were the times. Ideal. Fairytale. Lovely.
But now? I really don't know. Every day seems to be a cycle and I'm getting tired of it. I don't know what got into me, and you know what? I'm bored and frustrated over this-thing-I-don't-even-know-what-is. This moment or phase we're having (or I'M having) is just way too much.
Honestly, there are times that I just don't care. That I could go all day without hearing anything from you and not even noticing it. That sometimes, I dare to find another man who can make me laugh again. A man whom I can have a good conversation with or even fight over something petty. Generally, someone who can fill in those gaps you're failing to fill. Then again, I'm too coward and I'm too nice to be on an affair.
Okay, let's say you're busy. That you need to do these things 'coz it's your responsibility blah blah blah. I totally understand that part and I'm over it. What I just can't take is that I even need to 'ask time' from you. Something I don't even need to do, but then again, I'm doing it. Call me desperate, but I want to keep whatever we have together for 2 and a half years now. Noticed something? We always have this issue. We can't get over it because we can't solve it. I'm guessing that after some 'negotiations' you'll let this pass by and after a few months I'd be ranting about it (again), and the cycle won't stop.
I can't help to think, how come it's okay for you to talk/text me for just 2-3 hours a day? Doesn't it suck big time? 'Coz apparently, It does for me. How hard is it for you to even spare some of your time for me without letting me ask it from you? How hard is it for you to let me hear your voice without me not feeling guilty afterward? I'm thinking that it's that hard. Simple sacrifices for you is hard. 'Coz if it wasn't, I won't be even here ranting about this. Again.
You know I love you. But I'm confused if I'm still in-love. Seems, sometimes, I just can't be with you.
Confused,
L
L